Forum

> > Off Topic > My first text
Forums overviewOff Topic overviewLog in to reply

English My first text

1 reply
To the start Previous 1 Next To the start

old My first text

Pagyra
User Off Offline

Quote
I think everyone once wanted to try to write their first book, not too long ago I also tried to write ... And not to overload the forum I want here to lay out one introductory chapter for your acquaintance and estimation.
Please evaluate the stylistics of the text, its readability (how unobtrusive the text is) and give your comments on my mistakes and shortcomings. I am collecting critical feedback to improve my skills.
To translate the text, I used DeepL translator.
Sphere of Worlds: Holding Your Breath >

old Re: My first text

ModJuicer
Super User Off Offline

Quote
It's an impressive work. I like the style. However I also immediately noticed a mistake, I don't know if it's from translation or just a typo.

Quote
Increasing the light, my mother went closer to the bed and turned on the vibromassage mode. She grinned and tickled her leg sticking out from under the covers.


it should be "my leg".

It also has some humorously blunt descriptions for some things as well, which I'm sure is due to translation, and also a bit of formatting problems and a few other errors. I myself have had problems with translators messing up the formatting of things when translating parts of my mod and ended up just copy-pasting the areas of translated text into the original file to keep the existing formatting.

Anyway, overall a good piece. You have the imagination of a good writer.

Interestingly, I also wrote a story about space (specifically mars) before. It's currently my most extensive work, although I haven't really worked on my stories recently.

I have a story that you may enjoy, as one of my many works. Feel free to critique if you have any thoughts on it.

The Adventures of Ella Flash >


Also, I have a more humorous, if slightly profane, story..

The Nation of Promises >



EDIT: I went over your story. It's honestly pretty good. Got some intense action going on there. I revised it, worked on formatting, and so forth. Any place where there is a problem I was unable to fix, I put a × symbol followed by an explanation. Here is the result:

Sphere of Worlds: Holding Your Breath >


Maybe you could fix the problems I pointed out and post the final product of that. It would be fun to review once that is done. You can also compare the original and my revision side-by-side to see which parts I changed for further insight into which parts needed changing (at least from my perspective). Have fun!
edited 5×, last 12.04.23 09:38:42 am
To the start Previous 1 Next To the start
Log in to replyOff Topic overviewForums overview